Light Peaking In.

The Lord has been my keeper and my carrier, my peace, my hope-giver, my dream-giver, my sustainer, my friend, my safe bed to rest on. He has been my safe-place, my come-as-you-are, my sweet companion, my morning, my redeemer, my “you are human and I want you” my rest, my nourishment, my patient friend, my confidence, my laugh, my embracer, my giver of goodness. The Lord has been all these little and big things in my life this season… and for all my life really.

There have been so many changes in my life. Changes and circumstances that are beyond myself, in my family, in my plans, in my health, just so many things. I have felt like my air was taken out of me, like I was burnt and shattered, unable to catch my breath. I have felt small standing before these problems, and very very afraid, and very hopeless.

But the Lord is my safe place. He is gentle. He is kind. He is sweet like honey. He is also strong and capable and He is my rock. He is my solid rock. He is the almighty God and in spite of me and in my weakness and unwillingness and in my inability He picks me up and puts me under His wings. In a way that is both strong and gentle.

Reading this all over again, makes me cry happy tears because this is exactly the Lord I love and encounter. I am so underserving guys, I am so human. I am so imperfect. I am so sinful and messy and broken and dirty and I can be pessimistic and distrusting of God’s goodness. I am so so human. I am weak and I easily bruise. I am short-sighted, and I grow tired easily.

But

not because of who I am, but because of God’s complete outpour of grace and goodness He washes me clean. He gives me a clean dress to put on. He clothes me with new mercy, new joy, new goodness. He embraces me and restores my brokenness. He doesn’t chase me, He waits patiently on me, all the while loving me and pursuing me. But not in a way that scares me and makes me run…instead He tells me, “My arms are a safe place to rest, I have pure and gentle redemption for you” And He waits, He waits patiently. When I do come home to Him, He doesn’t reject me. But He embraces me saying, “You were always mine, come undone, I will give you hope, I will give you dreams, I am making a new thing.”

Dear whoever is reading this,

I can’t pretend I know God completely. I don’t. I run away from Him. I grow distracted by all the things in this world . I am just as broken as anyone you can imagine. I know what its like to feel hopeless, to feel like life is meaningless, to be tired and worn. I know what it’s like to not want to come to Jesus because its easier to run than to come to Him and unload your messy and your burdens onto Him. I know what its like to feel like you are alone and like you don’t even want anyone to walk along side of you. I know what its like to feel like our circumstances are completely beyond us. And to feel numb all at the same time.

I’m not here to say I have all the answers. I’m not saying I have this down.

You guys I fight against God’s goodness and against His pursuit of me, even against the pursuit of people around me. I get it wrong more often than I get it right.

But this season specially the Lord has been drawing me to Him in such a gentle way. In such a patient way. In such a sweet way that it is impossible for me to ignore. I cannot come to Him because I cannot do life without Him. He is the only one who can embrace me and take care of me, and give me a future and be my Abba, my father. He gives me joy when I cannot smile, He puts people around me who love me when I cannot offer anything. He calls me victorious when I feel defeated. He gives me hope when I feel in a pit. He embraces me and loves me, when I feel hard to love. He gives me peace when I feel restless.

The only proper response to this lavish goodness?

Adoration. Surrender. Thankfulness. And just when I am ready….

Well… I am just learning and figuring that out.

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